Dreamed of you last night, woke up crying. You were actually nice.

Drove by your house today. Thought that I saw your car next to me at the red light in front of your house, thought I might die before the light turned green.
Saw someone with your facial structure at the mall. I choked, my cousin asked me why I looked terrified. She then asked who died. I think my heart fell out.

Dear nameless guy,

I'm writing this here knowing that you'll never see it, and that, also, I'm a complete coward. I'm ok with that, since, ultimately, it's what got me here in the first place. But there are some things I'd like you to know, I'll even number them for you since you're blondeness and cocky tendencies frequently either kill or freeze your brain cells leaving you unable to make a decision that doesn't just effect you.
1.) You are a complete and utter hypocrite. You spent so much time and effort telling me how most guys were total scum that had only one thing on their minds, I agreed. You then proceeded to tell me that you weren't the average guy. I was stupid. I believed you. We talked about a future together, you told me that to be together, I needed to get myself together. That you liked to have relationships with your girlfriend's Dad's, and that, even if that made me uncomfortable, you still wanted a relationship with my Dad. You still told me it would work out. Then you told me that I needed to get right with God, that you needed someone that would keep you in line...and that if I wasn't directly involved in a church that we couldn't be together. You go to church on Sunday, and Hookah bars on Monday. You curse, drink, smoke, chew, and live a life that I know for a fact God, and your church, would not approve of. You are the first to point out others' faults, while completely ignoring your own while living your holier-than-thou lifestyle.

2.) Second to being a complete hypocrite, you are also a liar. Everything you told me, was a lie. You listened to me cry, you saw me lose 15 pounds in a week, you saw how distressed over the whole situation I was, yet you still felt ok with giving me false hope. What was the point behind that, were you just trying to placate me for the time being until you could pick up and run? I really don't get why you wasted all of that time pretending to be interested, why you expelled all of that energy into what you saw as a dead end. Why, when you claimed to be so much different than other guys, you did the exact same thing...stabbing me in the back and the heart at the same time. I'm told that takes talent.

3.) It wasn't my fault. I'll admit, I presented the situation, however, you went along with her plan. You took it to the next level. You CHOSE to walk into that hotel room knowing the formulated plan. You were NOT blindsided, you were not deceived, you entered that room knowing exactly what you thought would happen. You knew her plan, so don't you dare for a fucking second say you were some sort of victim in the whole debacle. YOU are the one who escalated it, you took it to the next level, you turned it into a game that you had to win. My biggest mistake was trusting you and her, and thinking that you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. I actually believe the bullshit that you cared for me. But most importantly it WASN'T. MY. FUCKING. FAULT. If you blame anyone, blame her, blame yourself. But don't you dare fucking try to blame what happened on me. YOU initiated it, YOU started it. I'd like to point out, that I was just sitting there. Minding my own damn business. YOU. DID. IT. Fuck you.

4.) Who the hell drags their 15 year old brother into that type of situation when you know what could possibly happen? You took your innocent 15 year old brother to two girls hotel room, when one of said girls told you, without the other girl knowing, to pick up whipped cream and condoms. What did you think was going to happen? Even if you thought that it was a joke (which it was) why would you subject your brother even to the possibility that someone like that could happen? Very loving and caring of you, dear.

5.) I think I love you. Not because of what happened...but..for a while. That just makes this all worse. That's why no one gets why this still bothers me so much, but I've learned my lesson. I won't tell them. I won't tell anyone, and I will certainly keep my distance from you. Obviously, I did something wrong that made you run the other way. Telling you how I feel didn't work that night...and it won't work now... so I'll tell you here. I love you.

I'd like to be able to say that what you did didn't break me, that I'm totally fine, moving on with my life, and that I never think of you. I would love to look at you, and feel absolutely nothing. I would love to be able to hear your name, and not feel overwhelmingly sick. I would love to just be able to get over the whole thing, to think of it and just feel nothing. I'm glad I didn't take the advice I was given, and talk to you more about how I felt, because I just would have embarrassed myself more.
How did you even become such a fucking good actor? Because, that night, for whatever reason, for just a short period of time, you cared how I felt and what happened to me. You didn't want me to be hurt, and you looked like it hurt you when I cried. Trying to be funny, you said "you know, you may never get the chance to kiss *insert name here* again, there's a lot of girls that would totally take this opportunity".I don't think you heard me tell you that that was what I worried about... So, first love, thank you so much, for completely shattering my heart.
I'm so very mad at you. I'm so mad at you that I can't see straight. But as soon as I see your face, I get lost again...the anger melts, all I want to do is kiss you, hold your face. And then she walks in...and the pain and anger come back.

Signed,
the one you blame things on

How do you get over someone who knows every dark secret about you? A person who you dreamed about having kids with, completely unintentionally, someone that you pictured marrying and having a life with. How do you get over the betrayal of that person, and knowing that they don't care about you like they told you they did, that they lied repeatedly. How do you not spend every waking moment not wanting to either run into their arms or beat the hell out of them. How do you cope when the person whose arms you run to to cry into, are the ones that hurt you in the first place. How do you explain to your other friends that think that you are overreacting, that by someone simply leaving, your heart was torn in two. More importantly, how do you come to terms with the fact that you let anyone get that close in the first place.

In general, men seemed to be placed here to ruin my life over and over again.

I kinda feel like I should update this again. I'm not completely sure why I bother since I created this sort of as a journal to help me try to starve myself. But hey, we all have our faults, right? I guess I like looking back on it. I'm not over it, I don't think I'll ever think "right," and I'm guessing I'll always have my lapses back into that dark period. Nonetheless, it's nice to look back and see how far I've come from that point. I still don't really feel it was ever as bad as people on the outside thought, but I guess that's kind of part of the disease - not seeing things clearly.
I'm still making mistakes. My last one was honestly pretty damn epic. I'm not proud of it, it ruined a lot of things. It ruined friendships, it completely broke my heart. But I'm learning. I'm learning to be my own person, to not ride on other peoples' coat tails. I can be my own person now, it's not easy and not necessarily comfortable, but I'm tired of being the one to make myself inferior. It doesn't have to be that way, it never had to be. I guess it took me getting fucked over to realize that, seeing as had I not been so socially dependent on my best friend, I would have never landed myself in the situation I was immersed in. It was really hard to see at the time, but, more and more every day, I see that everything really does have a reason for happening. It's not random, or pointless. The most painful and exciting things we experience have some sort of purpose, we're just not privy to it. All that to say, I guess, that I'm not comfortable in my own skin yet, but I'm trying to own it and trying not to let it hold me back. I'm trying not to care about what others may think, because, quite frankly, it's none of their damn business what I do or say or wear.
I'm really freaking excited about college - minus the whole working your ass off part. It feels like I'm *finally* getting somewhere. Finally going in the direction I want to go in. I've got orientation in a couple weeks, and I'm thinking I'll go to frosh camp - hopefully not the one that a certain boy will be at. Part of me says that avoiding him is the better option, part says I should suck it up and deal. But is it really that smart to force myself into an awkward situation where I'll be wanting to go jump a cliff when I'm around him when it can easily be avoided? Who knows, I definitely don't have everything figured out.
Anyways, things are definitely different. That could be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. Progression or regression, I don't know, but I'm moving, nonetheless.

Bleurgh...I have blood tests tomorrow after Math class. Needles are pretty much my number one fear in the world. If anyone even speaks the word "needle" I'm pretty much out of the room, so tomorrow should be fun! ...not.
I mentioned I'm sick of doctors?

Directions. 3 things each about 5 people that they don't know. Put the first letter of their first name for each

a:
1.) You're the reason I'm addicted to Flo Rida. And The Classic Crime. It's basically all you're fault I'm broke and addicted to all of their songs.
2.) You're the only one who saw through me when I thought no one ever would. I liked it then, but now I feel stupid for letting you in.
3.) I still like you, even though you have a girlfriend. An amazing girlfriend, at that...but you deserve someone as wonderful as her.

r:
1.) You really need to learn when to STOP pushing me for answers. Eventually, I hope, you will figure out that if I *want* you to know something, I will tell you.
2.) You also need to learn that you don't understand every situation, contrary to popular belief, you are no better than Dr. Phil. Stop trying to fix me.
3.) If you tell me to eat one more time, I will honestly rack you :)

s:
1.) Meeting you was absolutely amazing. And WAY too short. Not sure which I missed more, you or England :/
2.) ^^ that, up there ^^ THAT will happen again..I'm getting back to the UK even if it kills me LOL
3.)Thank you for being there for me :) I mentioned you're amazing?

d:
1.) You knew about my ED before I did, you were there for me when I figured it out...You stayed up with me, listening to me cry until 6...I can never thank you enough for everything.
2.) Without you, I wouldn't be here.
3.) I miss you.

a:
1.) You're like my second mom. The better alternative to the original.
2.) You're someone I can actually look up to...Well, down, rather..you're shorter than me, but that's against the point.
3.) I love your kids like they're my little sisters. I would do anything for them. For you.

Ok, I can't help but post this.
Anyone's who has talked to me most likely knows that I absolutely despise my hometown of Memphis, TN. You've also probably gotten sick of hearing me complain about Memphis, especially the weather. I mean, seriously, how the hell can it snow one day and be 70 degrees and sunny the next? In February for crying out loud!!
Anyways, I digress...FINALLY. I have proof to those of you who don't think that Memphis can be nearly as bad as I seem to make it out to be that it's not just me who thinks Memphis is hell on earth. Not to mention that in the summers it's hot as hell, I'm not even kidding.
For one, our crime rate is insanely high. We just had a guy get shot over a freaking parking space in front of Panera Bread for goodness' sake.
Our weather is bipolar. No, really. It is currently 64 degrees here. It was 70 earlier, and I walked out of the house in a tank top in February. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
There's also nothing to do here. Really. There's the mall. There's...erm...Yup. That's it. There's downtown, but once you take in the ridiculousness of the Peabody Place, see Beale Street (which is filthy, btw) and get drunk, that's really all there is to it.
The people are also insanely rude. People cut you off in traffic, cuss you out in Wal-Mart lines, and everything seems to be black vs. white. Whether that was the original intent or not.
Also, I think we probably hold some sort of award for most corrupted higher-ups. We could host our own reality TV show with our mayor alone. It would be plenty entertaining...drug scandals, sex scandals, paying people off and the age old "who's the daddy" debate.
Basically, I'm just totally thrilled that someone finally agrees with me that Memphis is hell :)

http://www.forbes.com/2009/02/06/most-miserable-cities-business-washington_0206_miserable_cities_slide_3.html?thisSpeed=15000

I'm apparently going to a gun show on Saturday. A gun show where Ethan is working and will probably intentionally scare the living shit out of me.
I'm so screwed. WIth my luck, I'll trip, set a gun off and kill someone *rolls eyes*
Oh, and I mentioned I'm going with a bunch of college guys? *head palm*
If I disappear, you know why. Just assume it was a unfortunate accident that probably started with my clumsiness and bad luck.
Was nice knowing everyone!
*waves*

My face hurts. Which pretty much sucks. A lot. I mean, really, who the hell reacts to crap that's supposed to make the face crap go AWAY?
Yup. Moi. Because my luck is crap like that.
BUT... It was a good class day. I made no mistakes in Latin, which Mr. Brown seemed really proud of so he felt the need to point this out to the entire class by making me correct everyone in class. Which, was kind of embarrassing...and I do believe several people were glaring at me. But I don't care, because I never get all my latin proud and I remain the right to gloat :P Just a little anyways.
AND, in lit, my paper was amazingly NOT butchered! I did the whole bit...slumping into my seat, drawing up my hoodie, covering my face with my hands and hoping the entire room just magically disappears into a sparkly *POOF* of glittery and smoky stuff. It didn't. And fellow classmates and teacher did not come out with torches and pitchforks. A for content, B for grammar. I will totally take what I can get...No one had anything negative to say. I do believe that it is most definitely a first.
I'm also starting to realize it's a good thing that I am not a rich kid with a buttload of money to blow at every opportunity, otherwise, I'd have more fashion underwear/bras than any one person could ever wear in their lifetime. I'd also probably have some policy about wearing a new outfit every day...Because I am slightly clothes obsessed, even if I am actually too poor to buy the clothes. *snorts* I can look though, right?

K, that's it for the babbling. Basically, I am stuck at Singleton all day tomorrow and the only upside to that, normally? I spend the entire day not eating because there's only a vending machine filled with crap and my mom doesn't eat anything...and also didn't set a time out for a lunch break.
But my Aunt's being "nice" and bringing me lunch :/ Which rather sucks....but...I do lots of walking so, maybe it'll even out. Depends on what she brings I guess :/ I think I'll be pulling out my beloved DDR tomorrow night..

Now, I have to try to find a copy of The Misanthrope...Which no one seems to have. Which is not good, because I have to read the play and write an essay on it by Thursday :/